Ultra-Lite. Sans the Aircraft.

I have a good friend who’s a beer snob. The worst kind of beer snob. The rookie beer snob. Chris (who knows I love him anyway) will tell you himself that he hated beer for years... until somebody handed him a Guinness. Yep, Guinness. As if the world needed another Guinness snob. Lord, help us all. And hide the Miller Lite.

The shiver that just ran down Chris’ spine at the mere mention of a light beer was palpable across 2,000 miles.

Me, I’m no snob. When I drink, it’s usually whatever comes to the table in a pitcher with enough mugs to go around. But if I’m in a position to order my own brew, I prefer not to have to chew it. Light, crisp, mass-produced American swill is just fine with me. My wallet appreciates it, too. Although it’s usually Bud Light that’s tapped into a sharable container, it’s always Miller Lite that’s ordered in a bottle meant for me.

Until recently.

As I was fighting the worst of the weight gain that came with giving up my Marlboros (seven months ago now) and becoming increasingly sedentary, I was urged to switch to Michelob Ultra, the low-carbohydrate beer. I did. I preferred Miller Lite, but for the promise of dietary benefit (and after the first good beer buzz) I learned to enjoy Mich Ultra. Then reading Chris’ beer blog made me think. Exactly how substantial was the trade-off? I did a little research.

A twelve ounce serving of Michelob Ultra has 95 calories, only one fewer than Miller Lite. (Interestingly, Ultra was first marketed at a Lite-matching 96 calories, so one wonders where in the marketing department that extra calorie was lost). Michelob Ultra is 4.1% alcohol by volume where Miller Lite weighs in a 4.2%. And in the carb category, Michelob Ultra claims 2.9 grams to Miller Lite’s 3.2 grams. Yes, Ultra wins that battle: by 0.3 grams of carbs.

Here’s a little bit of math for you. One Baked Lay’s potato chip has 2.09 grams of carbs. Drinking either Mich Ultra or Miller Lite, you’re barely getting more than the carbohydriacal (yes, I made that word up) equivalent of ONE low-fat potato chip. The difference between the two beer brands is approximately one seventh of that potato chip -- you would have to drink SEVEN Miller Lites to out-carb an equal number of Mich Ultras by the amount of one tasty Lay’s. And let’s face it, by the time you’ve had seven bottles of anything, you’re probably going to ruin your carb count by stopping off at Waffle House on your way home anyway. In someone else’s car.

Someone in the Miller marketing department lost their job over this one. If not, they should have. Michelob should have never been able to pull the “diet beer” title – and sales – away from them. It’s simply not supportable.

So good-bye tasteless Ultra, you lying bastard beer, I’m going back to my ex.

I just won't let Chris see the empties.