Clues, You Say?

Yet another in the line of commercials that drive me crazy:

A woman who might easily be 43 stands dressed to look 23 and asks “how old am I?” Well, first, I’m not fooled by the outfit, chicky-poo, I know you’re older than I am, but I’m game; I’ll play along.

She continues, “Here are a few clues. When I was in junior high, I mastered the latest dance craze. Was it the Hustle or the Electric Slide?” Hmm. I don’t know. But stop dancing.

She goes on, “When I was in high school, I fell for fashion. Think I wore bell bottoms or penny loafers?” Penny loafers, sweetie? Were you also wearing a poodle skirt and stashing a dime for an emergency phone call home? Really, you’re not narrowing it down, here. Those things have been around a while.

Still, the juxtaposition of dance and fashion trends in this spot intended to sell teeth whitening strips is not my beef. Rather, it’s the initial promise to offer a few clues to her age. Because, you see, these aren’t clues, they are questions. This isn’t a hint, it’s a quiz.

“How old am I?” the woman asks. “I’ll never tell.” Bully for you. But let me tell you something, honey, though “lots of things can give away your age,” I wasn’t even looking at your teeth. Your mouth, on the other hand, bothered me no end.

Left at Albuquerque

A week or so ago, I signed up for a class at the University of San Diego. This is not, mind you, a class which requires me to enroll in the University. No, no, I finished my degree some time ago, thank you. Rather, this is an extended-services type of class. A class which makes use of the school’s facilities for a night or two but isn’t necessarily associated with its curriculum. A class which requires one who has never enrolled at the school to become instantly familiar with its landscape. A class which demands that the intrigued San Diego neophyte conduct a little internet research. And so said neophyte did. And in doing so, said was reminded of a growing pet peeve: website “maps and directions.”

Over the course of the last several months, while visiting a city that is still relatively new to me, I have had more than one occasion to search for certain locations online. Darned convenient thing, this internet, if used correctly. Unfortunately, too many web designers fail to see beyond their own limited view. This is particularly evident when one begins looking for maps and directions online. While local web designers may be intimately familiar with the area they are discussing, it’s fairly safe to say that the poor guy searching for directions is not. And there the trouble begins.

See, here’s how it goes. You’ve got a craving for sauerkraut, so you start searching online for directions to Pierogi Hut. Google throws you a dumpling: you’ve got a hit. Drooling, you click to the local website, anticipating doughy goodness. You follow the link to “maps and directions,” keys in hand. Your breath catches as the screen flickers. A map appears. For all its usefulness and definition, it may as well be a map of Botswana, but no matter. Text has appeared. Directions. Salvation. Lunch. Thank the blessed lord of the intern… hey! What the - ?!? Your hope fades. No pierogies today. You read the instructions: “From the North” take this route… and “From the South” take that one. Useless.

Dear Mr. Genius Web Designer, I must ask you: IF I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HECK YOU ARE, HOW DO I KNOW WHETHER I’M COMING FROM THE NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, OR WEST OF YOU??? HOW ABOUT A FRICKIN’ ADDRESS, EH? I HEAR MAPQUEST IS NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

But I’m not bitter.

Now, in all fairness, I must add a disclaimer. Although the USD website did prompt this rant, the USD webfolk were, at least, kind enough to include the university address on the site. Somewhere below the instruction to take Interstate 5 in whichever direction most pleases your best guess fancy. With that information, proper directions can be found and the class will not be missed.

However, until web designers unite in a frenzy of address publishing, many a pierogi will remain uneaten. And that’s just sad.

The Round Robin. Finally.

This is my contribution to the Round Robin writing challenge posed by my friend Gryphon. The idea is to link, blog-to-blog, a story together by having each blogger add one paragraph at a time. To begin the story, click here. From there, follow the link to my mother's blog (or click here) and then the link from hers to mine. My paragraph follows:

Each of these dreams, I’ve found, comes to respond to particular, specific challenges or opportunities. This dream, the bear dream, always visits when I’m on the brink of something life-changing, some potential large-scale success. Though it’s a dream full of good omens, I find myself watching the joyous victory dance through a window that separates me from it. Watching rather than being watched. Protecting myself, my life as I know it.

And now I tag my brother to continue the story.

Cinco de My-O Random Thoughts

Five random thoughts in honor of the fifth of May.

Uno) Flat

It’s amazing. It’s wondrous. It made my day. My buddy, my pal, my main man Stan dropped me a line this week. Back home in Tennessee, he wrote to thank me for his visit to San Diego and tell me he missed me. What a guy!

Dos) Dented

“Dented” isn’t quite right, but I can’t find confirmation anywhere that “cavitous” is a word. It should be. Not that cavities, per se, are my problem. Not now. They were. Once. Years ago. When I was a kid. And they were filled. It’s those old silver fillings that are giving me a hassle these days. Or… were. I found a dentist this week and had two of them replaced. Hmm.. now that I think of it, “dented” is exactly the right heading for this thought. Not my teeth. My wallet.

Tres) Bruised

I auditioned for a show this week after months of coaxing. Skip to the end... despite it all, I was not cast. Though I reserve a bit of “peeve” for the tease, I have no regrets at being distanced from the script in question. I am now free to audition, unobliged, for material that better suits my interests.

Quattro) Pitted

A writing challenge has been issued by a good friend whose works I used to edit. A round-robin writing challenge. Issued by Chris, met by my mother, tossed to me, and to be continued by my brother once I’ve done my part. My part. It may take days. I’ve never risen well to wrting within someone else’s confines. And yet…keep your eyes open, I’ll do it yet.

Cinco) Hollow

I’ve been working on my own “What Not to Wear” and have cleaned out my closet, sending 4 bags of didn’t-fit-or-looked-like-a-potato-sack-on-me clothes to the Salvation Army. One could say I was “Californizing” my wardrobe if one were ready to believe that I opted to keep only camisoles, flip flops, and Spandex. I didn’t. However, I’m making the effort. Instead of swimming in my father’s old hand-me-down sweaters, I’m attempting to weed out the things that make me look heavier than I actually am. And maybe, if I can’t hide the curves I don’t like, I’ll be forced to lose them. Then I can buy a bunch of newer, sexier things. At least…that’s the idea this week. Next week, I might be calling you for your old overalls. Keep the phone handy.

There. Five random thoughts. Now go toss back a margarita or twelve and forget I said anything. Viva Cinco de Mayo!