Leviticus

At this time every year, my good friend Chris becomes a bit of a Scrooge as the beginning of the Christmas shopping season creeps ever closer to the autumnal equinox. He grumbles that before the pumpkins have been carved or the turkeys craved, seasonal jingles and cutesy green elves are ushering in a good will toward men that will be evidenced by contusions as otherwise sane mothers fight over the last Cabbage Patch Furby Elmo. He has a valid point. On the third month of Christmas, my true love gave to me… oh who the hell cares? Is it over yet?

Most people I know roll their eyes and sigh when they see the lighted trees in the hardware store in October, but in the fourteen years I’ve known Chris, retailers have never eased his pain and he’s never tired of grumbling about it. One grumble in particular is starting to ring a bell. And ask for spare change.

Okay, actually, The Salvation Army has nothing to do with this particular gripe, but hey, I liked the segue. No, it’s Chris’ argument for the official beginning of the Christmas retail season that has caught my eye. You see, many years ago, after successfully begging for a weekly column, I chickened out and handed the assignment to Chris, becoming in the bargain his editor. And an editor never forgets.

In Chris’ blog this week he wrote:

It's very simple. God, in his infinite wisdom, has granted us a means to tell when Christmas has begun. In the beginning, God created the Macy's parade and it was good (especially the Snoopy balloon...). And lo, the Lord said "let there be Santa at the end" and there was and it was to be the beginning of Christmas. I think that's in Leviticus. No one ever reads Leviticus so that's bound to be where it's at.

It was the Leviticus. Without the Leviticus, I might never have noticed. But I did. In 1999, Chris wrote:

Let me spell it out for those of you who still don’t get it. We have been provided a sign of the beginning of the Christmas season. Christmas does not begin until Santa Claus appears on the televised Macy’s parade. I think that’s in the Bible somewhere. Leviticus probably. No one ever reads Leviticus. It goes something like this:

And the Lord spake
and he sayeth unto the assembled masses
let not there be hanging of the Christmas wreath
until the time of which I speak
being the time unto which Santa Claus
shall come unto you all
via the Macy’s Parade.
And there was much rejoicing (yay).

Yes, Virginia, I still have the originals. And I agree. Christmas should take the holiday spotlight on the day after Thanksgiving, as it was once, isn’t now, and ever should be. Amen. But I don't think that's in Leviticus.

Now, I’m not claiming to have read it. Heavens no! But it’s probably the book of the Bible I’m most familiar with. Thanks, of course, to The West Wing.

In Episode 25, President Jeb Bartlet dresses down radio personality Dr. Jenna Jacobs (a small-minded Dr. Laura-esque figure whose Ph.D. in English Literature grants her the title “doctor”) for her public declaration that homosexuality is an “abomination.” I reprint the speech that flows forth here with due reverence but without permission. Don’t bother suing me; I’m broke already.

JACOBS: I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.

BARTLET: Yes it does. Leviticus!

JACOBS: 18:22.

BARTLET: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I wanted to sell my youngest daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She’s a Georgetown Sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be?

While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGary, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Or is it okay to call the police?

Here’s one that’s really important, because we’ve got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?

What’s particularly fun about this scene is that the original argument, which quotes Leviticus far more extensively, came from a letter written by Kent Ashcraft to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in 2000, which was posted on the internet and circulated widely via e-mail. (Lorimar Productions compensated Ashcraft for the use of it on the show, by the way).

an open letter to Dr. Laura

J. Kent Ashcraft
May 2000

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

This is a man who has clearly read Leviticus. I’ve read this letter several times, looking for it, but I haven’t read (k) my local retailer hawks blinking lights and plastic trees before Santa appears at the Macy’s Parade, which is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 12:25. Am I allowed to shove eight tiny reindeer up his wazoo? I’m sorry, Chris, but I’m sure that if it were there, Mr. Ashcraft would have found it.

Try Deuteronomy.