Water Nazi

For nearly twenty years, I have been the poster child for Diet Coke. Wherever I go, I have a can of Diet Coke on hand. If you spy the signature silver can unhanded, you can be sure I am not far away. The Coca-Cola people should have me on retainer; I am a walking product placement. It’s the only thing I drink. Or, at least, until recently it was. Then I met the Water Nazi.

Before one of my co-workers caught wind of my recent medical difficulties, he was harmless enough. A nice guy, good for a couple of laughs every shift, and a friendly ear. But you’ve got to be careful what you tell to a friendly ear. Apparently, some information will turn Bartender Jekyll into Doctor Hydro.

Now, if my signature silver can is left unattended it will disappear. When I return, I’ll find in its place a glass of water. Water. Yee-uuck.

In my world, water is to be celebrated externally. Swim in it! Shower in it! Great stuff! Internally, though, I have a much more Wicked Witch of the West reaction to it. It burns! I’m melting! Aaaaaauuuuuggggggghhhhhhh. Keep it away from me, thank you very much.

Now I’ll grant you that my body’s extreme reaction to water is probably the proof of how sorely it needs it, but who wants logic at a time like this? I’m melting, for Pete’s sake! And Doctor Hydro over there is mincing his literary references and eyeing my pretty shoes. The bastard.

The problem is, my argument against water just isn’t strong enough to win this battle, and if I pour myself a new Diet Coke, he’ll just pour it out. So I drink the water. Ow! And I drink the water. Ouch! And I drink the water. Ooh! And I drink the water. Ah.

Ah? Crap. I think he’s winning.

When I finally get home to the Cape of Good Coke and eagerly pop the top, ready for The Real Thing, something is amiss. Suddenly, it doesn’t taste right. See, there’s all this… caramel… in it. When did that happen? And it’s all fizzy and stuff. What’s that about?

Damn you, Water Nazi.

I’m not giving up my Diet Coke anytime soon. But you can tell my agent that when the Coca-Cola people hang up on him this time, he doesn’t have to call back.