Mad AMAX

Reese Witherspoon and I will soon have one more thing in common. Our tortured marriages to Ryan Phillipe. Our Oscar-winning turns in Hollywood musicals. Our finished contracts with AMAX Talent.

Okay, make that just one thing in common.

By the end of the month, I will no longer be represented by AMAX. The company (American Models, Actors, Artists, and Extras) is finally undergoing a little talent tidy-up by scheduling mandatory re-evaluations. Just how overdue is this decision? Well, I signed with the agency before current owner Ashley Russell took over in 2001 and have never had occasion to meet the new boss. (Same as the old boss?) Even if I were to be in Tennessee when my renewal number hits the lottery, I would not re-up. After seven years of marriage (sound familiar, Reese?), it's time to let go.

But not without the Hollywood montage!

Maestro? A little sentimental music, please. Ah, yes. Dim the lights? Thank you.

Here we see Kelly's interview. The agent checks her headshot, resume, and demo reel for voiceover work. The agent signs her on the spot. Kelly exits elated -- a certified talent with representation!

In this clip, several months later, we see Kelly report for duty on her first AMAX assignment. She is on time and well dressed, as requested. Silk shirt. Slacks. Pearls. She is handed a large bag in which she will find her instructions. Opening it eagerly, she finds lapel pins, mints, and wristbands. Her task is to empty the bag by the end of the day, handing out the goodies to promote the NBA finals on ABC. She'll mix, she'll mingle. She'll wear orange rubber on her head. Watch the NBA on ABC!

Months -- perhaps a year -- later we see Kelly again, reporting for duty at the Home Shopping Network. This time, she knows that her assignment is an audition and imagines that her voiceover reel has caught someone's attention. Finding herself surrounded on all sides by very plump, very pretty women, she waits to be called, feeling unusually svelte. When the call comes every woman in the room is ushered to the set where, one by one, they walk toward and spin in front of the camera, hoping to be chosen as the channel's next Plus Size clothing model. After the audition, Kelly considers new headshots.

In our last clip, we watch Kelly reporting to duty for the last time in the dead of winter, 2006. She has been cast as one of a thousand "springtime" NASCAR fans watching Darryl Waltrip overtake a staged race in his Toyota Tundra pace truck. As the sun disappears and the temperatures plummet, most of the the crowd filters out unpaid. Not Kelly. Freezing, she holds on until "wrap" is called at four in the morning, wondering if extras in California know how lucky they are.

The montage fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories.

I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Talent Warrior. The agency we called AMAX...