Animal Warfare

More than once one these pages I have mentioned my cat. Well, THE cat. It’s not MY cat. The cat belongs to my roommate, who is now working on international waters. Without his cat. Which he left here. For me to keep. Temporarily. God love.

When I returned home from San Diego, I spent days cleaning up after mistress Delilah’s messy tantrums. Then I went back to work, leaving Delilah home alone for too many hours of too many days, allowing her to restart the protest. She is, all in all, a beastly creature. But in the few hours of the past two days I’ve spent at home, I’ve discovered that Delilah is not the only beastly creature I’m housing.

As I reached for something breakfast-like on Sunday, I discovered a small colony of ants on a reconnaissance mission in my cupboard. I promptly emptied the cupboard, gave the shelves an Ortho spritz, and went about my business. However, I should have remembered that ants come not single spies, but in battalions.

I was unaware when the attacked colony sent its tiny Paul Revere on a midday ride, but within minutes their militia staged an uprising. Full armies staged the Ant-merican Revolution. Better armed, I overtook them easily, but not without casualties. My entire dry goods flank was lost. Admiral Cheerios, Captain White Rice, and Lieutenant Cheese Nip fell in battle. They were good men all and will be missed.

Later in the day, as I reached for something jeans-like in the storage room, I found evidence of another mission. This time, the assignment had been handed to a more highly-trained battery of mice. Given the relative size of the basement holdings, the decision to send in a beefier army was a good one. Evidently, the mouse patrol left no Christmas sweater or faux fall leaf unturned, scouring every inch of the place and leaving tiny landmines in their wake. Whether the team has retreated to report to headquarters or has staked out a clever foxhole, I am uncertain.

In this new battle, my forces are questionable. Snappy traps have become verboten and using sticky paper to capture starving POWs is not a tactic to my liking. However, if to win the war I must play General, I have decided to draft Delilah into military service. Against this enemy, she may prove valuable.

If not, I’ll give her a dishonorable discharge.