Behind closed stage doors, Mary, Vicki, and Dad exchange a glance.
It says "If we're all back here, there's no one out there who knows their lines."
Four actors on stage improvise the scene.
We shake our heads.
One more weekend.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
A Familiar Ring Would Be Nice
Dotty: And I take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines.
Lloyd: You leave the sardines and you hang up the phone.
Dotty: Yes, right. I hang up the phone.
Lloyd: And you leave the sardines.
Dotty: I leave the sardines?
Lloyd: You leave the sardines.
Dotty: I hang up the phone and I leave the sardines?
Lloyd: Right!
Dotty: We've changed that, have we, dear?
Lloyd: No, dear...
Dotty: That's what I've always been doing?
Lloyd: I wouldn't say that, Dotty my precious.
Dotty: Well, how about the words, dear, am I getting some of them right?
Lloyd: Some of them have a very familiar ring.
I've you've ever seen Noises Off, that exchange should be familiar to you. Exceptionally funny! Oh, the hilarity! Great stuff! Unless you're in a show where this is going on in front of a paying audience... and that show is NOT titled Noises Off.
As I go in for another pickup rehearsal of before beginning the third week of performance, I'll leave you with another scene from Noises Off, indicative of the way my current show has been running. I wonder which title I should put on my resume....
Dotty: Sardines! I've forgotten the sar ...
[She notices the sardines sitting on the table and stares at them for a moment]
Dotty: No I 'aven't; I 'aven't forgotten the sardines. Well, what a surprise; I'll just go into the kitchen and fix some more sardines to celebrate!
Lloyd: You leave the sardines and you hang up the phone.
Dotty: Yes, right. I hang up the phone.
Lloyd: And you leave the sardines.
Dotty: I leave the sardines?
Lloyd: You leave the sardines.
Dotty: I hang up the phone and I leave the sardines?
Lloyd: Right!
Dotty: We've changed that, have we, dear?
Lloyd: No, dear...
Dotty: That's what I've always been doing?
Lloyd: I wouldn't say that, Dotty my precious.
Dotty: Well, how about the words, dear, am I getting some of them right?
Lloyd: Some of them have a very familiar ring.
I've you've ever seen Noises Off, that exchange should be familiar to you. Exceptionally funny! Oh, the hilarity! Great stuff! Unless you're in a show where this is going on in front of a paying audience... and that show is NOT titled Noises Off.
As I go in for another pickup rehearsal of before beginning the third week of performance, I'll leave you with another scene from Noises Off, indicative of the way my current show has been running. I wonder which title I should put on my resume....
Dotty: Sardines! I've forgotten the sar ...
[She notices the sardines sitting on the table and stares at them for a moment]
Dotty: No I 'aven't; I 'aven't forgotten the sardines. Well, what a surprise; I'll just go into the kitchen and fix some more sardines to celebrate!
Monday, April 16, 2007
A Taxing Dilemma
I filed my 2006 taxes early. Easily done this year because -- for the first time since I was 16 -- I was unemployed. Apart from interest income on a dwindling savings account, I earned not a dime all year; and after years earning fuck all and sending Sammy his cut, I thought "take THAT, money-grubbing uncle!" Not this year. No way. If I don't make it, you can't take it! Nyah nyah! *Raspberry*
(Never mind that if I don't make it, I can't take it either).
Consistently employed for nearly 20 years, I decided I'd file anyway so that my return would not be conspicuous in its absence. My lack of income would be on record. Sammy would know I hadn't simply missed the deadline and he'd know not to bother coming after me.
Because, you know, there are so few people in the country that my missing return would be noticed. Of course.
I zipped through the return quickly. Twenty dollars interest, no W-2, easy peasy. Scribble, scribble, fold, lick, done.
Bounce.
Qua?
I didn't send a check. That's not what bounced. It was my TAX RETURN that bounced. My return was returned.
Somehow, in my laughable rush to file, I made the mistake of calculating my measly $20 interest income as earned income. Silly me. Obviously, those are two COMPLETELY different things. I didn't earn $20, my money did. That's money's income, not mine. Let that darned money file its own return.
On that $20, I'd calculated, I would owe $2 in tax. However, the income credit for earning only $20 is exactly $2 so the whole thing was a wash. Nothing earned, nothing owed. I'd filed a $0 balance return.
When the IRS bounced it, I discovered my error. Because the $20 wasn't earned income, it was neither taxed nor credited. I'd owe $0 in tax and receive an income credit of exactly $0 and the whole thing would be a wash. Nothing earned, nothing owed. I filed a second $0 balance return.
My question, Sammy, then is this: wasn't that obvious? I had NO INCOME, hon. Was it worth the man hours, paperwork, and postage to have an income-free filer amend an overly EZ return to prove to you that you weren't getting a dime?
Knucklehead.
At least this year, when I shake my head at the red-tape bureaucracy, I'll know it's not MY tax dollars at work.
(Never mind that if I don't make it, I can't take it either).
Consistently employed for nearly 20 years, I decided I'd file anyway so that my return would not be conspicuous in its absence. My lack of income would be on record. Sammy would know I hadn't simply missed the deadline and he'd know not to bother coming after me.
Because, you know, there are so few people in the country that my missing return would be noticed. Of course.
I zipped through the return quickly. Twenty dollars interest, no W-2, easy peasy. Scribble, scribble, fold, lick, done.
Bounce.
Qua?
I didn't send a check. That's not what bounced. It was my TAX RETURN that bounced. My return was returned.
Somehow, in my laughable rush to file, I made the mistake of calculating my measly $20 interest income as earned income. Silly me. Obviously, those are two COMPLETELY different things. I didn't earn $20, my money did. That's money's income, not mine. Let that darned money file its own return.
On that $20, I'd calculated, I would owe $2 in tax. However, the income credit for earning only $20 is exactly $2 so the whole thing was a wash. Nothing earned, nothing owed. I'd filed a $0 balance return.
When the IRS bounced it, I discovered my error. Because the $20 wasn't earned income, it was neither taxed nor credited. I'd owe $0 in tax and receive an income credit of exactly $0 and the whole thing would be a wash. Nothing earned, nothing owed. I filed a second $0 balance return.
My question, Sammy, then is this: wasn't that obvious? I had NO INCOME, hon. Was it worth the man hours, paperwork, and postage to have an income-free filer amend an overly EZ return to prove to you that you weren't getting a dime?
Knucklehead.
At least this year, when I shake my head at the red-tape bureaucracy, I'll know it's not MY tax dollars at work.
